New World Record … ?

The Editor Guinness Book Of Records

Dear Sir

We realise that idiocy by parole boards is extremely competitive with numerous examples of parolees committing serious offences. We realise, too, that it is very hard to measure objectively. We thought it would be well worth the effort to set up a record attempt that would clearly jump both those hurdles.

As threshold offences we thought the appropriate setting would be murder or violent rape. For objective measurement what could be better than time elapsed?

For our attempt on the record we chose a man who had been released on parole on three previous occasions. He had always managed to offend within days. We could therefore be pretty sure on the time elapsed score that we would be on the money. And given the nature of his previous offending an escalation was bound to get him over the threshold sooner or later.

We can now claim complete success. We would ask you to carefully check your records and see if anyone has even got close.

Within seven hours of release our man had stabbed an elderly woman to death, a former partner and a passer-by.

We think the achievement entirely worthy of inclusion in your next edition.

Yours sincerely,

The Queensland Parole Board

The Great White Ant …

Well, finally, Australia has a government.

Colourful Christopher got in early with his claims, Bill Shorten was still swanning around in self congratulation, but it has come to pass. The coalition has the numbers, perhaps number, a plural seems a slight exaggeration.

The waffling bankerĀ  will be the Prime Minister. You could switch the initial letters around without getting further from the truth … the baffling wanker. The small L Liberals (where L is short for loyalty) can rejoice that not all of them lost their seats. Pity really. Given that both sides of politics promised to totally disregard economic reality and race us to bankruptcy, it’s a task that could have been safely left to Labor. Their track record being impeccable in that regard.

Abbott would have made mincemeat of Shorten. He could have mentioned the boats, countered the suggestion that Liberal contenders are prone to tell lies with a very brief replay of Julia promising no carbon tax and, of course, he could have promised no carbon tax. Turnbull can’t do that having promised us a carbon tax. Nor could he run on his record, waffling on like a scratched record is no substitute for achievement. Turnbull put considerably more effort into overthrowing Abbott than in winning an election. But then winning an election is a little like face to face combat, unlike shuffling around dispensing innuendo and looking for an opportunity to slip a knife in someone’s back.

The only reason for his rise to power was the fact that he looked better in the polls than Abbott. He now looks like the self made millionaire … that inherited billions. Much was made of his appeal to progressive types. It didn’t dawn on the small L Liberals that progressives would like him but not vote for him in a fit. In another era I’m sure Jeff Kennett liked John Brumby a great deal (and Abbott would positively love Bill Shorten). We all approve of weak enemies.

Turnbull has a vision, we know, it’s Turnbull, Prime Minister. Does he have a vision for Australia, I think not.

Mr Shorten is very happy with his achievement, Mr Turnbull is entirely happy with his. It’s the people of Australia that lost the election.