Systems of government …

That may sound like an oxymoron but according to my British correspondent there are, indeed, systems. She enlightens me thus …

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, and then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.

AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows
One of them is a horse

The British Penny …

Sorry to have neglected you all for this past week or so, stuck in Cairns, gee it was awful.

My British correspondent has been busy in my absence and brings this sad news …

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase ‘Spending a Penny’ is not to be used after 31st December 2013.

From that date, the correct terminology will be: ‘Euronating’.

Thank you for your attention.

Six six six …

I was talked into first twitter and then blogging by my good friend MalBrown2, convener for the Greens on the Mornington Peninsula, and for all that a wonderful guy.

In the early days with WordPress every blog was a milestone, they gave you every encouragement with messages like “Well done, lad, another one like that and you will have written two, just four more and you’ll have made it to five”. This is accompanied by little quotes such as “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright”.

After a while the celebration of every fifth post subsides but the score continues to tick over and at last we reach post number 666.

Which reminds me of Mrs Satan who once complained “Six, six , six, that’s all you ever think about”.

Ball tampering …

The UK Telegraph had reached a low point on a pretty steep curve with the Pacu article, but just when I thought it safe to go back in the water I read about the ashes.

This is the beauty and cruelty of the five-Test series: there is no hiding-place for a player to flounder ashore, as in a three-Test series … One of those ‘Chinese cuts’ vividly illustrated the latent devil in this pitch … It was not only England’s bowlers who made the ball talk … such was his desire to consummate his life’s ambition. But he swept across the line, and was not bowled, but fulfilled.

Floundering ashore, perhaps without your bollocks, whilst they are back in the water discussing your life’s ambition with a devil of a Pacu or two, an ambition now never to be fulfilled … so sad.

But on a brighter cricketing note, Judge Dharmasena is hearing the case of a man accused of stealing a watch. The CCTV evidence is unhelpful and there are no witnesses. After lengthy deliberation comes a guilty verdict. “I just thought he nicked it”.