Tag: humour

Another pearl …

And since golf has made the news today let me remind the world of Mr Twain’s verdict on it …

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Perhaps the best things to come out of the stupid game are the jokes …

A man and his secretary decide to have an affair, so they rent a hotel and go have strenuous sex all afternoon. He’s not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn’t wake up until about 8:30 at night.

They have sex again, and then the man realizes it’s time to go home. He says to his secretary, “Take my shoes outside while I get dressed and drag them through the grass and mud.” Puzzled, the secretary complies.

When the man gets home about 9:30pm his wife confronts him and asks where he’s been. The man says, “I cannot lie to you, I have spent the day making love to my secretary, fell asleep, just woke up and came right home.” The woman looks down at his shoes and says, “You lying SOB, you’ve been out playing golf again!”

You can find an assortment at robinsweb, which is where I pinched that one. That particular joke reminds me of another Mark Twain aphorism …

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did.

Depressed …

The news this week hasn’t been good. It’s depressing.

I felt so bad this morning I called a suicide hotline.

I was greeted by “Press 1 for English”, I pressed 1.

Then I was connected … to a call centre in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal, they asked if I could drive a truck …

Cross my heart …

I promise you I wrote simpltons before reading this piece, it is satire, isn’t it? Written by a Liberal Party agent provocateur, surely? Gotta love Grumpy’s comment.

Are Volvo’s cool now? Don’t Domino’s pizzas still taste like cardboard? Clear air … isn’t it polluted with carbon dioxide? Always was … you’re kidding me.

Your week … ?

Uh, mine?

Pretty good really, busy at work, no major hassles, rehearsals went well, charity gig at the Eye and Ear hospital this coming Sunday, did some recording on Garageband, bird banding Saturday morning with some good friends, caught a Pink Robin, first one for our study. Exciting. The dog’s on a diet so it really, really loves me. Oh and some arsehole declared nuclear war … how was yours?

Ya gotta laugh …

Out west …

Punter goes into a pub and to his surprise there’s a robot tending the bar.
The robot says, “What will you have?”
The guy says, “A beer, thanks.”
The robot brings back his drink and asks the man, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says,” 168.” The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and current medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but, he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, “What will you have?”
The guy says, “A beer, thanks.”
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about the NRL, the AFL and Black Caviar.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he decides to try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar. The robot says, “What will you have?”
The guy says, “beer” and the robot brings him his beer.
And of course the robot then says, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “Er ………..’bout 50.”

The robot leans in real close and says, “Tell me, you people still happy with Gillard?”