Tag: the meaning of life

Relevance restoration service …

Newly retired?

Do you suffer from relevance deprivation syndrome?

We have the answer.

Your inbox can be stuffed to overflowing every day. Our service will make you feel even better than you did whilst working.

Fully fifty percent of the emails will be marked urgent. You can be absolutely certain for the first time in your life that ALL of them will be of no significance whatsoever. Just imagine the pleasure it will give you to select the lot and hit delete.

Realism is our watch word. Even though most of the emails are randomly generated our expert staff vet everyone to make sure that none accidentally make sense. Additional emails are produced by our staff of specially selected primary school children so that the quality is no different from that which you were used to. Fully forty percent are presented in compressed format so that U CN NJOY LKE B4 LOL. U’LL ROTFL. And we guarantee that NONE are spell checked.

Emails will arrive day and night so you can leave your computer on and sleep fitfully to the sounds of reassuring relevance as the mail hits your inbox again and again.

Nominate your holidays and we will redouble our effort. For four weeks a year we can bombard you with carefully crafted inane questions and totally irrelevant information, in addition you will receive advertising material for any product you care to nominate as having no interest to you whatever. Take the deluxe package and you will receive daily phone calls early morning and during evening meal times. Faxes can be delivered to your breakfast table at participating hotels around the world.

This is even better than working. Your replies can be replete with foul language, racism, pornographic photos and links to adults only sites. Let yourself go.

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Congratulations, Gayle*, on your very distinguished career. You will be greatly missed. Do enjoy your retirement.

* name changed to protect her identity.

A denier, again …

On February 15th an asteroid weighing about 10,000 tonnes entered Earth’s atmosphere at about 67,000 km/hr. On impact with the air it exploded into thousands of pieces 23 km above Russia’s Ural Mountains.

 The city of Chelyabinsk and neighboring communities bore the brunt of the shock wave which shattered thousands of windows and flattened the roof of a zinc factory. Flying glass injured some 1,500 people.

What’s believed to be the largest piece punched a 7 metre hole in the ice covering Lake Chebarkul 78 km west of Chelyabinsk.

Andrei Breivichko founder of the Church of the Cheylabinsk Meteorite believes that this particular chunk brings a message from God containing legal and moral guidelines in the form of “scriptures” that would elevate humankind to a new level of consciousness. Only the faithful, of course, could interpret such a message.
Nonsense, of course … if God wanted to send us a message it’s obvious he’d write it in English.

One hundred percent …

Courtesy of Kathie, our London correspondent …

Mathematics:

– What Makes 100%?

– What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

– Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

– How about achieving 103%?

– What makes up 100% in life?

– Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C  …  Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3  …  26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%

More interestingly,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, look how far this approach will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.