The hot air buffoon …

Will he make it? It’s a nail biter, a cliff hanger. Latest news is that Mrs Palmer’s little boy (who’d have thought that Mrs Palmer could become pregnant?), who was romping away in the soon to be capital of FNQ, has had his lead slashed to a mere 64 votes.

Clearly, this is the result of a conspiracy, possibly involving the CIA, FBI, AEC, LNP, YMCA, Uncle Tom Cobbly and the CWA.

A recount is a must, we owe it to Australian politics to get this guy over the line. Parliamentary privilege was invented for a man like him. Can you just imagine it?


Canberra here we come …

Congratulations …

Congratulations Mr Tony Abbott. Penny Wong said your name so often over the last six years everyone in Australia was familiar with you.

Enjoy this moment, not one of your team has yet been caught using their commonwealth car to run their hardware business or for their partner to go joy riding in, none of the team have yet been caught spending other people’s money on prostitutes. All is clean and rosy … it won’t last.

A major victory can lead to doctrinal excess, which leads to a backlash at the next election à la Workchoices. Evolution beats revolution. Big but coming, but you were elected to provide a more conservative government. Your true believers would like to see a bigger economy, less government interference, less red/green tape, lower taxes, freedom of speech and the right to sack those few workers who wouldn’t work in an iron lung. Don’t forget us. My shopping list includes repeal of section 18c and a slashing of the ABC budget.

As for Labor, you probably got off more lightly than you deserve. Nonetheless a healthy opposition is a real handy thing to have in a democracy, you need to sort yourselves out. You may be familiar with the joke about New York and Washington. One in ten people in New York is a beggar, one in ten people in Washington is a lawyer do you know why? … New York got first choice. Old Labor had a fundamental flaw, it answered to the party congress not the people. At its best, stronger politicians like Hawke and Keating thumbed their noses at that and governed more broadly. New Labor is choked full of lawyers and union organisers, its money comes from the unions. Julia was simply a union puppet. Nothing wrong in a more progressive view of social organisation, but there is everything wrong in only serving the interests of a narrow section of our citizens. People tend to forget that the white Australia policy was a Labor policy, the 457 Visa furore should have reminded them. Take that mirror you were fond of offering Mr Abbott and have a good look at yourselves. If you can come up with a party that takes up the cause of a broad swathe of Australia, puts the electorate first and finds a way to keep its snouts out of the trough you will be doing us all a service. Good luck.

As for the Senate, what a bloody mess, faced with a voting paper a metre and a half long who can blame people for voting for the Nutters and Noodles Party. Reform is badly needed. Why should mainstream Australia find themselves held to ransom by narrow interest parties that couldn’t run a chook raffle? Perhaps the problem lies in the notion that groups utterly or largely devoid of elected politicians are political parties entitled to a column all of their own on the ballot paper. A simple test would be to set the lower limit for a party as five elected members in the House of Reps. Anything less than that entitles you to nothing more than your name somewhere on the ballot paper, just like any other independent which is exactly what they are.

At last …

The poll that matters. Tomorrow …

I cast my vote sometime ago. Put important personal details on the outside of the envelope and dropped it in the mail. That should process be improved.

The lesser polls predict a Liberal win. Labor thoroughly deserve to have their arses kicked, they have been the worst government in my lifetime. They clearly cannot run on their record and instead, after years of moaning that Abbott is negative, they run almost exclusively on negativity. The balance of their platform is blatant lies. The talent, such as it was, fled with Julia. You would have to be stupid to want another three years of them.

I do hope that there is a clear outcome. The country needs a strong government and one that has the balls to get the economy back on track, one that makes us all a little richer. And one that is not obstructed by a hostile senate or obliged to make shonky deals with silly minor parties or independents. It may well be time that Australia thought about how the senate might be reformed.

As the results come in I will be nowhere near a TV or computer. By the time the polls close I hope to be sitting by a campfire in the wilds of Victoria’s beautiful Big Desert with a beer in my hand. The new prime minister will have to wait a day or so for my congratulations and advice.

All the best …

Highlights …

Mr Rudd inspected the Liberal party figures today and accused Mr Abbott of a $10 billion fraud.

You’d have to agree that this would be cheap at twice the price. After all, it’s less than the difference between the last promised budget surplus and the actual budget deficit, and considerably less than the deficit of about $200 billion that Labor has accumulated since it last came to power.

And now it seems that the Departments of Treasury and Finance are scrambling to distance themselves from the costings that Mr Rudd is using.

Yesterday’s highlight must have been this …

I will leave Mr Rudd to engage in that kind of personal attack. I would simply suggest that if you want to know my character, ask my colleagues. If you want to know Mr Rudd’s character, ask his colleagues.

Vote Compass …

The ABC would like to help you vote, indeed they do their very best every day to help you vote.

But even more than that, and in case you were thinking of voting Liberal,  they offer the Vote Compass to help you overcome any confusion about which party you should really vote for.

I just filled in several pages of questionaire and discovered that I was pretty much in the centre of the spectrum between social conservatism and social liberalism, and slightly to the right of centre on the economy. Interestingly, among the issues that I might have taken an interest in when it came to making a decision, there was no mention of being able to balance a budget.

If you are confused about your own place in the political landscape let me offer a much more efficient path to a sensible decision. Just answer the following questions …

  • Are you intelligent, rich and successful? Yes/No
  • Would you like to be intelligent, rich and sucessful? Yes/No
  • Are your spouse or children intelligent, rich and sucessful? Yes/No
  • Would you like your spouse or children one day to seem to be intelligent, rich and sucessful? Yes/No
  • Do you have a pulse? Yes/No

If you answered yes to one or more of these vote Liberal.

Presidentially speaking …

As you all well know, because of decisions, that some derided at the time, but ones that I had the courage to make, as I say, some years ago, and let me also say this, decisions that Mr Abbott said no to, decisions as we all know he always says no to, Australia is about to take over presidency of the UN Security Council making me a very very important person on the world stage if not the central pillar that keeps it from sinking into the abyss.

It is incumbent on me, therefore, to abandon campaigning and fly post-haste to Canberra where President Obama awaits to brief me on the unfolding tragedy in Syria where it seems someone has put sarin into the chicken and mushroom risotto instead of a dash of pepper, I shall of course be flying via Brisbane in order to do some essential research on chicken and mushroom risotto and it’s importance in social media, as well as, let me say, as well as keeping some long-standing and entirely private but very important engagements.

It is, of course, entirely appropriate that the Australian people be kept from worrying about these matters of extreme importance, their intellect being so feeble that they can barely understand Kitchen Cabinet on TV.


The Heebie-Jeebies …


The Heebie-Jeebies

Induces an immediate, tangible and most marvellous sensation of the Heebie-Jeebies, quickly relieving all cases of Well-Being, Joy, Warmth and General Happiness. An agreeable substitute to the Collywobbles; may contain traces of mild peril.

Just £8.00 from Hoxton Street Monster Supplies … or follow the election campaign.

My postal vote has arrived. Since I am an undecided voter I may not post it back until after say 9 am.